I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
