Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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