I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
