Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
