Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
