A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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