He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize