My pussy is not your playground.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
