Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize