we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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