i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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