Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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