I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
