i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
