What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
