I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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