I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
