I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
