Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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