Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm at about main and main street
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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