Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
