I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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