I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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