I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
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this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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