Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
