Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
