Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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