God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
