My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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