I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
