I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
