Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
