My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
as a side note pls kill me
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