Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
