Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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