why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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