shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
my poor anus
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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