nut hugger
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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