i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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