My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
