her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
