man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just found puke in my bra..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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