We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
