What did we do last night that was yellow?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
