If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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