i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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