i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
