you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
