Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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