I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
