I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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