It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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