I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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