I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i believe in u and ur pee
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
