dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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