Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
