Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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