you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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